Going through Life's Losses
- They've left home
- Illness
- Job Loss
- Affairs
- Separation
- Divorce
- Death
Human beings need social support for survival. Some of the latest research indicates that we do better in partnerships and in groups. Immunological systems are boosted, cancer patients live longer, aches and pains are not as pronounced when we know there is at least one person who genuinely cares. I know that when loss or threatened loss enters your life, life's positive focus can shift and coping skills can vanish in a second. No matter how independent and capable you are, there are things that come up in life that will need to be attended to before you can move on to the next phase. Talking things through can help you find your resiliency, help you get back on your feet again. You don't have to do it alone. Getting help is not weakness, but a genuine strength.
Empty Nest
You've raised your children and now they're off to school, married, or taken a job in another part of the country. Your longtime 'job' in your married life is complete (although they are always your children, and you are always their parent). But the tempo of life has changed. You're no longer central. The continual conversation with your spouse, "How are the kids doing?" is no longer an everyday event. You have to discover the "we" again. Maybe once you looked forward to having more time for romance, sex, social life. But now you're confused about how to make the shift, or afraid your partner doesn't really want to. His job hasn't gone to college. Maybe even an affair is in the making.
You can't go back, but you can go forward with help. Just knowing that the rocky passage is normal and will end is helpful. Sometimes you need to come in with your partner to have those all-too-familiar arguments with someone who will help you stop, listen to each other, and reflect. A relationship is always a balancing act, each partner compromising, and when your life situation changes in a big way, for whatever reason, that balance will change too. It can feel like the bottom's falling out. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. You don't want to give up without trying. The things you looked forward to — more time, peace, maybe romance — can still happen.
What Just Hit Me? The Loss of a Job
You thought you had it all planned out. You went to school, built a career, learned to budget, made sacrifices. The job wasn't perfect but you did it well. And then the company downsized, the economy soured, or something happened to snatch your paycheck and your identity, your work community and your engagement with the world. Or maybe this didn't happen to you but to your spouse, and now you have to get a job for the first time, or get a second one, and deal with his or her depression on top of it. Even the most stable people, with loving families and strong support systems, feel a job loss as a punch in the stomach-one that keeps right on punching. Old feelings of inadequacy return. When you were 22, everyone was going through it. You weren't poor; you were young. Now you feel alone. Afraid of the future, and afraid your fears will show, that you won't project the right image to possible employers.
Now is a difficult time, economically, but if you've lost a job, it's always a bad time. Being one of many might make it easier in some ways, more difficult in others. You need to talk about your life, not statistics. And whatever happens, understanding why you feel bad in ways you didn't imagine, even if you dreaded this day, is important. Remembering your strengths and accomplishments is important. You are more than your job or career.
Loss of Marriage
You got married with high hopes; you had children or didn't but in any case you loved your spouse (and maybe you still do). But the marriage is over. Whether it was a mutual decision or whether you're feeling abandoned, betrayed or humiliated, it's excruciatingly difficult to go from being a couple, lives merged for years or decades, to being just you again. It's scary and lonely. And that's only the emotional part. What about money, the kids, the in-laws...? What a mess.
It's crucial to remember that at the end of any marriage, most people are overwhelmed. Too many changes, too many emotions, too many decisions. You can deal with the problems more easily if you have someone to help you tackle them one by one: the ones with deep roots as well as those caused by the immediate situation. Maybe you're lucky and have friends and family giving you support or taking your side-but even so, it's useful to talk to someone who's never seen you as part of a couple. You're the same person and a different person than you were before the marriage. It can be deeply satisfying to find out who this person is.
The Ultimate Loss, Death
Your husband, your wife. Your mother or father. Your child. How can this person be gone? There's a hole in the world. And it's not just an empty place; it's like a vacuum sucking at the rest of your life. Maybe you've always feared this, maybe you've been through it before, or maybe you had no idea just how bad grief can be. Life goes on as they say. You've said it yourself, to others. What else can a person do? But what you don't understand is how it goes on.
Loss is inevitable, and mourning quite normal, but you don't have to go through it alone. Therapy provides a confidential and safe place where you don't have to worry about leaning too hard or taking "too long." As a psychotherapist, I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, and that often other issues arise after a loss, some of them seeming to have nothing to do with what happened. Major losses attract fear and feelings of inadequacy or guilt like magnets.